The Evolving Laments of the Republican Establishment
In the beginning, there was the campaign. The GOP establishment didn’t know what to make of Trump, how to stall him, control him, or ultimately channel his success to their benefit. He just kept ploughing forward, pushing aside all the tried-and-true candidates whose credentials were impeccable.
Their initial lament might have sounded a bit like “How do you Solve a Problem Like Maria?” from The Sound of Music. (Feel free to sing it out loud; you already know the tune.)
How do you solve a problem like The Donald?
He meets a girl and grabs her knee, Her dress has got a tear.
He rides the elevator down, Emerging from his lair.
He calls immigrant men rapists as he preens beneath his hair.
We never hear him belting out our tune.
He lashes out at everyone, What he says is never real.
He trashes conserv’tive doctrine (Except our right to steal).
I hate to have to say it, But I very firmly feel
Trump is not an asset, but a buffoon.
(But I think there’s something we must face:
Trump controls his base.)
How do you solve a problem like the Donald?
How do you catch a lie and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means the Donald?
A birther. An egotist! A clown!
Many a thing we know we’d like to tell him,
Many a thing he ought to understand.
But how do you make him stay on message for a day?
He just wants to build his pers’nal brand.
Oh, how do you solve a problem like the Donald?
We don’t have that kind of magic wand.
As Trump assumes the Presidency, the hope that he will transform himself into something “presidential” proves elusive. He just doesn’t follow the advice of all the wise leaders, generals, and other adults who seek his educate him, guide his behavior, and shape his policy.
The establishment’s new lament might have sounded even more exasperated, as sung to the tune of “What’s the Matter with Kids Today” from Bye Bye Birdie:
What’s the Matter with Trump Today?
Trump! I don’t know what’s wrong with Trump today!
Trump! You better get right out of his way.
Trump! He’s a crude racist misogynistic boor When he speaks he takes us down the sewer.
(While we’re on the subject:)
Trump! You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Trump! But he still just does what he wants to do!
Why can’t he be like we are, Perfect in every way?
What’s the matter with Trump today?
Three years on, the GOP Establishment no longer despairs of his follies, but rather has faithfully descended to his primal level, gleefully throwing the mud in which they lie at all and sundry who challenge his reign. As they revel in their debasement, they might be heard singing the chorus from Flanders & Swann’s “Hippopotamus Love Song.”
The New GOP Chorus: Mud, Mud,Glorious Mud
Mud, mud, glorious mud,
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
So follow me follow,
Down to the hollow,
And there let us wallow,
In glorious mud!
(If you want to hear the original, including a verse sung in Russian (how appropriate), and even join in the chorus, follow this link (the music starts at 1:12. The first chorus at 1:41; the final sing-along chorus at 3:16.): https://youtu.be/G5M4tw_82PM)
What’s next? Trump’s own nightmare song, unabashedly lifted from Gilbert & Sullivan’s Iolanthe, coming soon.